No! No! No!

I know it's been a while.  Since the last post, I have had a third child and started a home business www.etsy.com/shop/stinkpotstew).  It's been a little crazy to say the least!  Here is a reader question to hopefully get me back to the blogging world.

Reader Question:

Hey I'm curious... occasionally I'll meet a toddler whose first word seems to have been a whiny 'no', and for that matter, every word since has been no. [[SO annoying]]
I know if I ask you, "How do you stop them from saying no to everything?" you'll say, "it's easier to curb the behavior way back in the beginning."
I am so wondering HOW one curbs the behavior in the beginning!
on the edge of my seat now. ;)

My Response:

Oooooh, the torment of listening to a little toddler tell her parents (and everyone else, for that matter) "NO!" 

There is a LOT at stake here- meaning if you can't get your 3 year old to get in his carseat, what makes you think he will obey a curfew at 15?  And if your 4 year old wont stay in bed after you tuck her in, why would you expect her to abstain from alcohol at 16?  This is WAY bigger than a toddler's vocabulary.  This is about Lordship, pride, and self-control.

My first thought is this: do parents really think their 3 year old knows what is best for himself?!  Because, left to his own devices he would likely stuff himself full of marshmallows, poop his pants, do some sort of dangerous stunt involving stairs, etc. 

God gave children adults- parents- because kids DON'T know what is best.  They need responsible, controlled people to teach them as they grow!  They need AUTHORITY in their lives who love them are are looking out for their best interest.  And it is in their best interest to learn to OBEY and RESPECT those authorities, but so many parents are not teaching their children this most-important lesson.  And without it, we have no grounds to teach them any other lessons at all.

Let me clarify that I am not talking about a child answering a question with "no".  If I ask, "Would you like some water?", my child may certainly answer "no". ("No, thank you" is even better)

A child who constantly says "no" to instruction from an authority is exercising pride.  He is essentially saying "I am the lord of my own life, I know what is best for me, and I don't need your guidance."  How prideful (and ridiculous!) is that?!  (And how often do we, as adults, do the same thing to God!?)  We need to expect and teach obedience from very early on (think: diaper changes, high chair manners, a mobile pre-toddler). 

The beginning of training looks like this- give simple instructions and expect obedience.  "Go put your shoes by the door.  Yes ma'am?"  (once they can actually verbalize "yes ma'am", it is a required response, but even before they can speak I am training them with this cue).  If I were to say, "Go put your shoes by the door, ok?", then she has the option to agree or disagree.  I have asked her if it is ok with her.  That is not an instruction, it is a question.  But if I give an instruction and my child says to me, "No!", I simply say, "When Mommy gives you an instruction, the correct answer is Yes ma'am".  And I expect that response. 

Do they ever get to say "No"?!

When a child gets a little older and has been trained in first-time-obedience (obeying the instruction fully, completely, happily, the first time he is asked), then I give him the privilege of Appeal.  This means that he can respectfully ask for five more minutes when I have told him to turn off the television.  Or he can kindly ask if he can finish reading a chapter in his book before he does the chore I just asked him to complete.  If he can be responsible with the appeal, use it sparingly and wisely, and continue being characterized by obedience, then all is well.  If he gets an attitude when the appeal is denied or forgets the instruction and keeps on reading, then the appeal is taken away for a while.

Am I teaching them to tell me "no"?

Now the big question you are thinking- Will telling my child "No" create the pattern of them telling me "No"?  The answer is simple- NO!  You will HAVE to tell your child No-this and No-that on a regular basis in the training years.  God gave you the authority to do that!!  Not doing so would be not taking your job as a parent seriously and dishonoring God.  The word NO is a powerful tool for parents and SHOULD be used.  However, along with it comes correction (example- "No, you may not play with that phone.  It is not a toy.  Here are your toys.") 

What if they tell me "no"?

At some point, you will probably have a child tell you "no".  My response has always been "You don't tell Mommy no.  The answer is Yes ma'am."  I have seen many, many moms just laugh it off when their child tells them "no".  Laughing or not teaching the child the correct response if really setting them up for failure.  Not only will they miss out on your knowing what is best for them as a child, they will have a hard time obeying God and any other authority He places them under as adults (bosses, etc).

Training obedience points our kids to God

In teaching obedience, we are teaching self-control.  We are teaching that God is Lord and that we obey Him. We are teaching that God put parents in authority over children, and that (for children) obeying God = obeying parents.  It is God's design.  It is what is BEST.  It is what will set our children up to be adults with integrity, good work ethic, and respect for God and authority in their lives.

What's Your Center?

A lot of Christians seem to like the idea of a "Christ-centered home", but have no idea what that really looks like.  I've heard people describe their home as Christ-centered for the following reasons:

-we only listen to Christian music
-we don't watch rated R movies
-we pray before each meal
-we watch Christian movies with our kids
-we do a devotional together as a family once a week
-we don't cuss or allow our kids to say OMG
and last, but CERTAINLY not least...
-we got to church every week

Friends, I hate to break the bad news, but nothing on that list makes a home Christ-centered. 

A home inhabited by Christ-centered people is what makes it a Christ-centered home.  When parents who are earnestly seeking God to guide their lives, walking and growing in Him daily, living in community with others doing the same thing, and leading in their homes, THAT is what makes a Christ-centered home.  When we move away from the models that say "My kids are the center of the universe and my whole life/household/being revolves around what keeps them happy" and also "Parents' needs/desires/agendas are what my home is established around" to the model that says "We are here to Love God and Love People and will seek Him in all we do", THEN we move toward Christ-centeredness. 

So, what's your Center???

I've noticed that we, as American parents, are so busy that it can be hard to stay focused.  We have so many passions- and we tend to spend our time, money, and energy on those passions. What would people say you are most passionate about?  Is it Christ?  Or is it sports, healthy eating, your job, exercise, cooking, shopping, or movies?  There is nothing wrong with being excited about these things, but when they become the focus of your life- what people know you for- your Center- then something is out of order.  Convicting, isn't it?

What can we do to keep Christ- Loving God and Loving People- the center of our homes?  What can we do to encourage and help each other?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

It All Comes Down To This

I admit it.  I like rules.  I like the boundaries they set and the predictability they establish.  When something goes wrong or a situation becomes chaotic, my natural tendency would be to create a rule (or several!) to bring back sanity and control. 
When I think long and hard about that- the way I am naturally wired and my general bent toward rules, I realize that it would be really easy for me to become a modern-day Pharisee.  And you know what Jesus thought about the Pharisees?  Let's just say it wasn't pretty.
I try to keep that in mind as a Mom.  It would be SO easy to keep adding rules to what our kids can or can not do, what they are and aren't allowed to say, how they can and can not behave.  But I have discovered that it really all comes down to something very simple.  And we decided years ago that this would be the focus of what we teach them while they are under our roof. 

Love God.  Love People.  (Mark 12:30-31)

That's it.  It's so simple we almost can't accept that that's all that really matters.  But the truth is that everything I want my kids to know in life comes down to that.  Love God.  Love People.

One way we have tried to drive this home with our kids is to refer to it often, and to Biblically define what Love means.  Since the Bible actually gives us lots of verses about love, this hasn't been too difficult.  As a family, we have all memorized 1 Cor 13:4-7.  (The kids learned it in song on a CD from Kingdom Kidz)  Here is what it says:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails.

So, here are some scenarios most families deal with on a regular basis and how we can teach our kids to Love God and Love People rather than just correcting behavior...

~Eboy wins a Wii game and proceeds to celebrate and chant that he is the winner.  Egirl gets her feelings hurt and doesn't want to play anymore because she lost.  Response: The Bible says to Love People in Mark 12, and 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love does not boast.  Do you know what boasting means?  (proceed to explain that boasting is a way of building ourselves up in a way that makes others feel bad and then facilitate apology/forgiveness)

~Egirl starts to eat her food before we have prayed as a family.  Response: The Bible says in Mark 12 to Love God.  One of the ways our family shows God that we love Him is to talk to Him and thank Him for things He has done for us.  A regular time we can do this as a family is before meals.  (proceed to explain how saying Thank You when someone has given you something is a way to show them love)

~Egirl gets frustrated with the way her brother is playing babies with her and throws her baby and stomps out of the room.  Response: The Bible says to Love People in Mark 12, and 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is not easily angered.  Do you know what angered means?  (proceed to explain that being easily angered is when we become mad about things that we need to learn to stay calm and talk about. Then facilitate apology/forgiveness)

~Eboy talks with his mouth full at dinner.  Response: The Bible says to Love People in Mark 12, and 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is not rude.  Do you know what rude means?  (proceed to explain that being rude is a way of acting that puts what you want [to talk] over and above what the other person may want [to not have to see gross, chewed up food in your mouth], and it makes people feel uncomfortable or sad.  Then facilitate apology/forgiveness)

Do you see where I am going with this?  Pretty much every teaching moment I deal with as a Mom  can somehow be molded into a lesson of Loving God and Loving People.  I am not discounting that there are other great scriptures out there to teach our kids.  We use a BUNCH with ours in an effort to store up a moral warehouse of values they can pull from as they grow and make their own decisions.  (Some favorites are the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, lots of Proverbs, just about any parable Jesus told, etc).  What I am saying is that this is a great place to start.  And, really, as Christ followers, it is the most important thing we can teach our kids.  Jesus Himself said that these are the two greatest commandments in all of scripture. 
Love God.  Love People.  That's what it all comes down to.

Go And Make Disciples

As a Mom, isn't it easy to get caught up in the daily grind?  The fixing of meals, the washing of clothes, the wiping of butts?  To be honest, it is not uncommon for me to feel like I am drowning in a sea of tasks that must be accomplished for my family to function in society (i.e. wear clothes) and just sustain life in general (i.e. eat).  This list can get so long that it may be days, or even weeks, before I come up for air.  But when I do, and I stop long enough to hear God's voice, I realize (again) that what I am focused on is menial in comparison to the big picture. 
What God has truly called me to as a follower of Christ and a Mom is so much greater than meals, laundry and baths.  Sure, those things are part of the package.  They are necessary.  But they are not the most important thing.
Jesus said to go and make disciples.  As a Christian Mom, this is my primary role in raising my kids.  I don't just want to raise them to be law-abiding citizens. I want them to grow into faithful servants of God, loving Him and serving others in a way that is supernatural.  Teaching them His ways, His Word, His truths is how that will happen.  Loving and serving them with a tender heart is how that will happen.  Molding their little hearts through discipline, encouragement, and correction is how that will happen.
It is a journey of incredible sacrifice.  One that I am thrilled to be on.  With a 9 year old boy, a 5 year old girl, and another boy on the way, there is rarely a dull moment. 
And so begins ta new blog.  A place for me to record our adventures, triumphs, and failures.  A place for questions to be asked and answers to be explored.  A place for growth.  A place for discpleship.