No! No! No!

I know it's been a while.  Since the last post, I have had a third child and started a home business www.etsy.com/shop/stinkpotstew).  It's been a little crazy to say the least!  Here is a reader question to hopefully get me back to the blogging world.

Reader Question:

Hey I'm curious... occasionally I'll meet a toddler whose first word seems to have been a whiny 'no', and for that matter, every word since has been no. [[SO annoying]]
I know if I ask you, "How do you stop them from saying no to everything?" you'll say, "it's easier to curb the behavior way back in the beginning."
I am so wondering HOW one curbs the behavior in the beginning!
on the edge of my seat now. ;)

My Response:

Oooooh, the torment of listening to a little toddler tell her parents (and everyone else, for that matter) "NO!" 

There is a LOT at stake here- meaning if you can't get your 3 year old to get in his carseat, what makes you think he will obey a curfew at 15?  And if your 4 year old wont stay in bed after you tuck her in, why would you expect her to abstain from alcohol at 16?  This is WAY bigger than a toddler's vocabulary.  This is about Lordship, pride, and self-control.

My first thought is this: do parents really think their 3 year old knows what is best for himself?!  Because, left to his own devices he would likely stuff himself full of marshmallows, poop his pants, do some sort of dangerous stunt involving stairs, etc. 

God gave children adults- parents- because kids DON'T know what is best.  They need responsible, controlled people to teach them as they grow!  They need AUTHORITY in their lives who love them are are looking out for their best interest.  And it is in their best interest to learn to OBEY and RESPECT those authorities, but so many parents are not teaching their children this most-important lesson.  And without it, we have no grounds to teach them any other lessons at all.

Let me clarify that I am not talking about a child answering a question with "no".  If I ask, "Would you like some water?", my child may certainly answer "no". ("No, thank you" is even better)

A child who constantly says "no" to instruction from an authority is exercising pride.  He is essentially saying "I am the lord of my own life, I know what is best for me, and I don't need your guidance."  How prideful (and ridiculous!) is that?!  (And how often do we, as adults, do the same thing to God!?)  We need to expect and teach obedience from very early on (think: diaper changes, high chair manners, a mobile pre-toddler). 

The beginning of training looks like this- give simple instructions and expect obedience.  "Go put your shoes by the door.  Yes ma'am?"  (once they can actually verbalize "yes ma'am", it is a required response, but even before they can speak I am training them with this cue).  If I were to say, "Go put your shoes by the door, ok?", then she has the option to agree or disagree.  I have asked her if it is ok with her.  That is not an instruction, it is a question.  But if I give an instruction and my child says to me, "No!", I simply say, "When Mommy gives you an instruction, the correct answer is Yes ma'am".  And I expect that response. 

Do they ever get to say "No"?!

When a child gets a little older and has been trained in first-time-obedience (obeying the instruction fully, completely, happily, the first time he is asked), then I give him the privilege of Appeal.  This means that he can respectfully ask for five more minutes when I have told him to turn off the television.  Or he can kindly ask if he can finish reading a chapter in his book before he does the chore I just asked him to complete.  If he can be responsible with the appeal, use it sparingly and wisely, and continue being characterized by obedience, then all is well.  If he gets an attitude when the appeal is denied or forgets the instruction and keeps on reading, then the appeal is taken away for a while.

Am I teaching them to tell me "no"?

Now the big question you are thinking- Will telling my child "No" create the pattern of them telling me "No"?  The answer is simple- NO!  You will HAVE to tell your child No-this and No-that on a regular basis in the training years.  God gave you the authority to do that!!  Not doing so would be not taking your job as a parent seriously and dishonoring God.  The word NO is a powerful tool for parents and SHOULD be used.  However, along with it comes correction (example- "No, you may not play with that phone.  It is not a toy.  Here are your toys.") 

What if they tell me "no"?

At some point, you will probably have a child tell you "no".  My response has always been "You don't tell Mommy no.  The answer is Yes ma'am."  I have seen many, many moms just laugh it off when their child tells them "no".  Laughing or not teaching the child the correct response if really setting them up for failure.  Not only will they miss out on your knowing what is best for them as a child, they will have a hard time obeying God and any other authority He places them under as adults (bosses, etc).

Training obedience points our kids to God

In teaching obedience, we are teaching self-control.  We are teaching that God is Lord and that we obey Him. We are teaching that God put parents in authority over children, and that (for children) obeying God = obeying parents.  It is God's design.  It is what is BEST.  It is what will set our children up to be adults with integrity, good work ethic, and respect for God and authority in their lives.